Transform Criticism into Connection: Understanding Needs in Relationships

Let’s talk about criticism in relationships today.

Many of our minor irritations in relationships go unsaid. And perhaps at times this is wise – we all weigh negative experiences more heavily than we do positive. 

The problem is that if we simply bottle up our feelings or needs, resentment can build. And then criticism will arise, usually when our resources are low; and there will be a fallout because it comes with the extra weight of all of the unspoken irritations, and it is likely to be met with defensiveness on behalf of the one being criticised.

But what if we looked beneath the surface of criticism? Beneath every criticism lies a need that’s longing to be met. As Marshall Rosenberg said, “every criticism is the tragic expression of an unmet need.”

So instead of pointing out deficiencies, let’s aim to understand our feelings – and the needs we’re trying to express. 

We can use our trigger points as sign-posts to better understand ourselves. The next time you feel the urge to criticise, pause and ask yourself: What is the need beneath this criticism? How can I invite understanding and connection in this moment? It is worth remembering also that criticism is often a protective mechanism, masking vulnerability.

For a number of reasons, many of us haven’t a great deal of experience of the invitation to explore our needs. But without this, we have little hope of meeting them or communicating them.

Join me at an upcoming workshop, or book yourself in for private sessions to explore this rich and important area of personal development.

If you would like to work on this with my support, there is a number of practical tools that I can show you. You can reach me at info@joesummerfield.co.uk. And please do feel free to share this article if you feel someone you know would enjoy or benefit from it.