The Regulation Dance for Couples

Have you ever noticed how quickly an argument with a loved one can spiral out of control? One moment you’re discussing dinner plans, the next minute your beloved partner is your sworn enemy and the kitchen sink has been hurled.

What’s happening is a dysregulation dance. When one partner becomes emotionally flooded, their nervous system becomes locked. Their partner becomes triggered, and the two find themselves locked in a negative feedback loop, escalating the situation rapidly.

The good news? This pattern can be interrupted.

Whoever notices the dysregulation first can call a time-out – not to avoid the conversation, but to pause until both partners are regulated enough to continue productively. Agree on a time to approach the conversation again, and make sure that before you do, you create a proper connection.

Even better, co-regulation can serve as a positive feedback loop. Couples can proactively build co-regulation into their relationship through deliberate rituals of connection throughout each day and week. This creates a foundation of safety that transforms the relational space.

In couples therapy, it’s remarkable to witness how completely the relational dynamics can shift within a single hour when partners learn to regulate together. With practice, this co-regulation becomes more natural, creating a relationship where both people feel safer, understood, and connected.

In the work I do with couples, I generally take a two-pronged approach: I give you practical tools and techniques (how to develop co-regulation for example); and I also facilitate a more explorative process wherein each party can build a greater understanding of what it is they are bringing to the dynamics of the relationship.

If you’d like to find out more about working with me, book your free discovery call here.