Reaching Boys Emotionally: Connecting Through Actions and Words
Ever feel like you’re hitting a wall when trying to connect with your son, or the young men in your life? The good news is that you are not alone! And there are some simple strategies that you can use to make it a lot easier for both of you. Let’s talk about what boys really need to feel understood and supported. So if you are a parent, a grandparent, an uncle or aunt, a teacher… or just someone who believes in the principle that it takes a village to raise a child… then stay with me on this for a few practical strategies you can use.
Connecting with boys, especially as they grow older, can sometimes feel challenging – a lot of parents and carers find it difficult to understand their sons’ behavior and emotions, or to engage them in conversations about their feelings.
Why is this? Well, there are a number of contributing factors –
There are biological and cultural factors: From an evolutionary psychology perspective, boys may have a neurological inclination to respond to challenges through action rather than emotional expression. At the same time, or perhaps informed by evolutionary development, societal norms often discourage boys from showing vulnerability.
The impact of testosterone is another factor: testosterone influences emotional expression, making it harder for boys to articulate feelings as they grow. This doesn’t mean they don’t feel deeply; it just means they may not always have the words to express it.
So what do boys need? Here are some practical ideas for you:
The first big one is to do away with the idea that boys expressing their emotions should look the same as girls expressing emotions. Instead of pushing for verbal expression in the first instance, engage in activities that create safety and connection. So try spending quality time together doing something that your boy enjoys. This will create opportunities for natural conversations to emerge.
There is another interesting dimension to this, which is that sometimes boys process and express emotions through actions more readily than words. For instance, if a boy is grieving a loss, participating in a meaningful activity related to that loss can be a powerful form of support. So if a boy has lost a grandfather with whom he used to build things in the shed… instead of sitting down to talk about his grief, he might find it more comforting to spend time in the shed sharing those pleasures with a another close relative. This way, he can connect with his feelings of loss in a meaningful but non-verbal way.
Another tip is that boys thrive on respect and admiration. So it’s worth voicing it when you genuinely recognise their achievements, their efforts, and their qualities. Particularly in light of the fact that the conventional school system is geared so strongly against the nature of most boys.
This isn’t an exhaustive list of strategies but just a few ideas to help build a culture of connection, support, and empowerment for the boys in our society.
If you found this helpful or if you have any questions, let me know in the comments. Thanks for reading and see you soon.
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