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Improve Your Relationships with the 5 to 1 Ratio

UncategorizedImprove Your Relationships with the 5 to 1 Ratio

Improve Your Relationships with the 5 to 1 Ratio

Today I am going to share with you a simple trick that you can use to improve the quality of your relationships. I will often look at this with couples I work with, but equally you can use the principle to improve other relationships – for example at work, with friends, or with your children.

John Gottman is a psychologist and researcher. His findings include the fact that the success of a relationship can be predicted on the basis of the ratio between positive and negative encounters.

If in a relationship there are on average fewer than 5 positive encounters to 1 negative, the relationship deteriorates and is likely to fail.

It’s important to note that we are all hard wired in such a way that negative encounters hurt us more than positive encounters help us. So for example, we will work harder to avoid the loss of £10 than we will to gain £10.

On top of that, many of us carry perceptual biases. So for example, often people who have experienced relational trauma of some kind will perceive more negative encounters; as well as those negative emotions, experiences, or interactions carrying a greater, disproportionate weight than their positive counterparts. It can be very difficult for some people to even perceive the positive counterparts. If you identify these patterns in your experience, the solution isn’t so simple so it could be very liberating for you to find support, and that will improve the quality of your experience and relationships.

Back to the ratios. Interestingly, there does appear to be an upper threshold: if in a relationship the ratio of positive to negative interactions exceeds 11:1, then the relationship can also be predicted to deteriorate.

I would interpret this as being indicative of the need for balance and reciprocity in a relationship. It is normal for there to be rubs and frictions – this can be a sign of the most wonderful thing about being in a relationship, and that is the opportunity for growth. If that isn’t taking place, it may be that someone is not holding their own. If one partner is not showing up in the relationship or carrying an appropriate level of responsibility for whatever reason, it is worth seeking support in finding a path forwards. There may be a reason for it, but that reason should be addressed because it stands in the way of the growth of the two individuals in the relationship as well as the success of the relationship itself.

So how can we use this to improve our relationships?

I would say there are 3 useful steps you could consider:

The first would be to explore to what extent you do carry perceptual biases, and to work on that. Otherwise, it will be like trying to fill a bucket that is full of holes. Or even worse, you could find yourself filling the wrong bucket altogether – one that will be hurtful and destructive – possibly even reinforcing previous trauma.

The second would be to stay mindful of the ratio of 5:1. Notice and explore what goes on in your relationship. Look for opportunities to transform your encounters as they arise – play an active role in improving the quality of your interactions.

The third would be to engineer more positive encounters into your days. Adding rituals is a very simple and easy example of this: a brief parting ritual in the morning; a reconnection ritual in the evening; a ritual around acknowledgements or appreciations. You can explore your partner’s love language and create something around that. There are infinite possibilities.

I hope that you find this helpful. If you have any questions or would like my support in your relationships, you can reach me at info@joesummerfield.co.uk

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