Giving Difficult Conversations The Best Chance of a Positive Outcome
In a previous article here, I talked a little bit about observing positive and negative encounters in any relationship to get a sense of the health of that relationship, and the potential to in many circumstances improve the outcomes in a relationship by intentionally creating positive encounters.
Following on from that article, I received a question about how to navigate conversations that are likely to become a negative encounter. There are many aspects to this that we would look at if you came to me for therapeutic support. But today in answer to that question I want to share one idea with you, which is foundational not only to constructive communication in any relationship, but also I would say a necessary prerequisite for our own individual growth, development, or healing.
The idea that I am going to share with you today is: how can I orient myself in order for there to be a positive outcome from this exchange? Or in other words, what mindset can I occupy to give this conversation the best possible chance of being meaningful and constructive?
When people come to therapy, generally they come oriented for the conversation to be therapeutic – that is their expectation and so they are prepared for it. You come to see me because you see or feel that there is scope for improvement in some way. You may or may not know what that is or what it would mean to improve; but you are willing to accept that you have a role and a responsibility in the process, and you are willing to talk about it truthfully and to be witnessed and to receive communications. Then, in a good therapeutic conversation, there is a joint effort between the client and the therapist to find and express the truth of the situation as clearly as possible. This style of conversation is curative and presents the opportunity for understanding and growth.
Often when we communicate in real-world settings, outside of a defined therapeutic relationship, we are not orientated in this way. It is so easy for us to find ourselves unconsciously occupying the mindset of conflict. For example, if we feel that we have been wronged in some way, we come to a conversation determined to demonstrate how we are right and the other person is wrong. Or we communicate to impress, or to demonstrate our cleverness or accomplishment. Or to seek validation for our existing point of view. Or to justify or to self-protect. One of the reasons people can find it easier to speak authentically, vulnerable, and collaberatively in a space held by a therapist is that it creates a greater sense of safety. Even with the people we love the most, it is not easy to be vulnerable.
But there are problems with coming to a conversation with a mindset of conflict or self-protection. First of all, it does nothing for the relationship. Often we communicate to find connection and there is no scope for this if we approach conversation in the ways I just described. The second problem is that either or both parties will come away knowing nothing more than they did before the conversation. It may be satisfying to come out of a conversation with the same perspective we had when we went in because it can be uncomfortable to be challenged. But we haven’t grown any from that experience – neither of us has moved forward from where we were beforehand.
The way another person looks at and interprets the world will not be the same as your own. And what a blessing this is – two brains are surely better than one. So a constructive orientation from which to participate in a conversation would be of curiosity and mutuality. To come to the conversation with the mindset that “you might have something to tell me that could be really useful for me to know”.
This may be challenging, particularly for some personality makeups, and in the context of previous life experience and conditioning. So it will require learning and practice. Possibly a journey of individual self-exploration and healing. Both parties will need to be willing and able to enter the conversational space in this way. Not to mention the need to pick the right time and create the right environment in which to hold a conversation that may be challenging.
The payoff from all of this will be less pointless conflict, greater understanding, and mutual growth.
I hope that you might recall this as you find yourself in challenging conversations, and that in doing so you will find more harmony in your relationships and more opportunities to explore and develop your existing thoughts and beliefs.
Remember, you can always ask to take a break from a conversation if it reaches an unproductive state – just make sure you validate the importance of what’s being discussed and define a time to come back to it.
If you would like to work on this with my support, there is a number of practical tools that I can show you and help you integrate. You can reach me at info@joesummerfield.co.uk. And please do feel free to share this article if you feel someone you know would enjoy or benefit from it.
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